On the 18 December 2010 episode of Usapang Kapatid, we had the infamous Dr. Eduardo Jose "Eddieboy" Calasanz to talk about St. John of the Cross (Feast: 14 December). He talked about St. John's spirituality in his poem, "La noche oscura del alma" or "The Dark Night of the Soul." Our episode centered on befriending the darkness and see light - God's light and His great love for us.
Why exactly? I just love this week.
I really hate it when people look little of me. How do you say it in Filipino - minamaliit?
RANDOM THOUGHT NUMBER ONE
Just wanted to remember this night as one of the many instances that I wanted to write but I don't know what to write about. I need an outlet for all this energy burning inside of me. It's kills the hell out of me! Or it could also be that I'm sort of desperately seeking for a sensible conversation?
Had another wonderful bonding session with my gals this weekend after a long and tiring week. We had our little "slumber party" at Sarah's pad in Makati. Good thing Insan (Kathy) has a car (lol, peace girl. don't want you to think I like your car more than you. HUGS!), I had no trouble bringing Artemis along for work (Oh yeah, by the way, Artemis is my new laptop. Apollo's LCD screen is apparently dead right now and would cost me 15grand to replace it... so getting a new one is more practical); had to write the script for the show the following night.
So I didn't exactly played a major part in this event. But I would like to congratulate the JesCom team for making the concert a success, and for being able to raise funds for the Jesuit Seminaries.
It was a night of music and spirituality - two evenings, actually. The Philippine Madrigal Singers truly gave justice to every song. I got goosebumps randomly throughout the songs. They definitely deserve a standing ovation!
I would like to thank everyone who supported and donated for the Jesuit seminaries. The Philippine Province really needs the help of their friends to continue their mission. I've been friends with a couple of Jesuit priests and brothers and I salute to their dedication. I've witnessed their service, how many lives they have touched and how far they've gone to proclaim God's Kingdom. I happy to be serving our Lord with the Jesuits, and I don't think I'll ever forget everything they've taught me.
The Don't Quit presentation is based on a famous poem which was written many years ago. The author of this poem is unknown. Sadly, in recent years a number of people have claimed ownership of the poem and some have even claimed to have written it themselves!
Here is the original poem in it's entirety:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown
I just won't go into details to eliminate gossips and such. I really don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I definitely want to share this life-changing, eye-opening experience.
I can't believe how amazing God is when it comes to answering prayers. I know I've said this before, but anyway, I'm just so relieved.
I was having a certain dilemma which is recurring for the past 2 years more or less, and just the other day I wanted to put an end on it - so, I prayed for guidance and light. In less than 24 hours, God was able to answer me. I still can't get over the part where reality hit me hard, but I know it's for the best. Like I said in one of my FB posts "I'm not sure if it's good... I just know it's right." God's answer was very simple. I was actually expecting a dramatic scene with so many people involved. But last night was so... straightforward. It was painful, yes of course. But to me, it was to end my misery as well. God showed me a whole new different path - a promising one, I'm sure. It's to end all my confusion. Give clarity to all those blurred visions. This path is clearer. This path will bring me less pain.
I'm really excited to experience another chapter. Maybe it still has the same elements from where I came from, but this time, I know better. It's all about a matter of perspective now, just like when I saw God's answer in the simplest of ways.
Yesterday, I said goodbye to all my fairy tales. It wasn't easy, but I know it's time. I won't stop dreaming, of course not. Only now, my dreams are closer to reality and not barely foolish fantasies. Sheesh, is this what we call maturity?
Last week, not just one or two, but more than three asked me if I have already found a new 'man' in my life. And when I say that I'm still single, they give me the saddest-looking frown you'll ever see. Of course the next question would be, 'why?'
Well, why not? So what if I'm single. That's not stopping me from living the life that I so much enjoy right now. I just don't get it why there are people who think that one can truly be happy if there's a particular 'someone' in one's life.
I wouldn't want to burst anybody's fairytale - I'm not saying that being in a relationship is complete bull. But there's more to life than going out on dates and receiving bouquets of roses. Dreams are not all about Prince Charmings and Princesses dancing across the palace hallways with music only they can hear. Well, I guess it may be for some... but for me, again, there is more to it.
Love makes the world go 'round. Or let's just rephrase that to 'Love makes YOUR world go 'round.' Really, it's all about a matter of perspective. It may not work for a lot of people, but love is just a part of every being. It's true that we do the most touching and courageous thing because of love. But there are times that we engage in our own stupidity and foolishness because of love. This only proves that not everything that seem right is actually correct. Probably it's also about the timing of all things, the presence of certain elements to create a powerful and righteous foundation of love. And as for me... I'm still cooking things up for a delicious meal, if you know what I mean.
So maybe there are times that I long for someone. And there are times as well that I do not really think about it. I guess my point is that I'm just fine to wait without stopping, and dream without hoping. So far, I'm really comfortable with this personal set-up. I believe that someday, I will again receive the bouquets all the others are giggling about. Mine are just rosebuds, patiently waiting to bloom. So yeah, that's it.
You know how our faith sees God... God is Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and Omniscient.
Omnipotent, meaning all-ruling. Omnipresent, meaning all-present. Finally Omniscient, meaning all-knowing... And now I have a simple story to prove it.
The past hour, I was thinking about looking for a part-time job, so I won't have to let go of my current day-job. I've been thinking about it for roughly a month now, and it's just that I was busy and I was caught up with work and stuff. So in other words, I never got a chance to really sit down and think about it... I mean, really, REALLY think about it and look at the possibilities and options I have.
Moments ago, I was about to tweet it (that I was gonna pray about getting another job- another source of income and experience, of course). And before I could even type the first word, an old acquaintance popped me a message. Small talk started, and we got the chance to catch up (even though we're really not that close!) We exchanged numbers, and he asked me if I was interested in getting a part-time job. It's certainly a jaw-dropping minute for me. I still couldn't believe the past hour happened so quickly!
God truly is mysterious. He planned every stepping stone in my life. I can really feel His love, because I didn't have to do anything to get what I want. He answered my prayer in a jiffy! How sweet is that?! Nothing is an accident. Everything has a purpose. What happened now may be an influence of what would happen in my life in the future. Just like when I got acquainted with him days or weeks before he left the country over a year ago. Now that he's back, God proceeded with His plan for me. But I really hope this is God's doing. I trust Him and I have complete faith in Him. He will not let me down. He will not put me in danger.
On this note, I testify.
God is Omniscient because he knows what I need or what I want; Omnipresent because I see Him in everything and in everybody; and Omnipotent because He reigns over me all the time (well, I try to let Him to the greatest extent that I can).
God is... GOD.
So I have this CRAZY-MAY thing going on. Ever since the outing with my Josephine Journal family, I've been addicted to swimming! I even bought a new set of swimming stuff - from the suit, to the cap and of course, the goggles. Spent almost 3K for everything! Haha. Good thing is, it's really put to good use. I've been swimming with CJ, MWF. Well except this week because I had asthma. Tsk tsk. I missed Monday and Wednesday, but today's Friday... and can I just say that it feels so great to be back in the water! I can say that my stamina lowered a bit :( ugh, I really hate it when I get sick. Hopefully this swimming craze of mine won't stop, and please please PLEASE make me healthier.
Another crazy thing happening this month is that I'm back to filmmaking with Jonry. We made a deal to produce a short (one each) within May. How crazy is that?! I was telling him he's so unfair... He has all the time in the world to write, develop a concept; the whole thing. I, on the other hand, have a day job which requires a lot of time and energy. It's really exciting, but at the same time, tiring. We shot his film last Tuesday and it was pretty exhausting. We started offline editing last night, and it was also exhausting. And now, to top all the pressure, he's constantly asking when I'm going to write my concept. Sheesh, talk about peer pressure! As much as I wanted to shoot another short, I would have to beg more time which is totally impossible. End of May is near, and I'm 99% short of my concept... beat that?! Will I ever make it? Or will I have to bail on this?
My hormones are acting up a little crazy as well. I'm slightly irritated with this guy I've been crushing on for the longest time already. Maybe I just got bored with the whole idea. Perhaps it's more than JUST a crush. I can say that we've been more than friends but not quite lovers. Ugh, cliche once again. I just hate to be in this state. Maybe this is why he gets in my nerves often lately. I don't need another some-kind-of-a-love-story! It's totally immature, so I'm dropping all the drama and I'm definitely moving on!
Here's another insane issue of mine. Lately, I've been wanting to be always alone. Emo, much? Nah, I disagree. Sometimes, a person really needs time to be alone with himself... retracing what's been going on in his life, where he is now, and where he is planning to go. Some call this the quarter-life crisis. Makes sense, though. I'm turning 25 this year. Oh but I call it my personal quality time. Doesn't it feel oh so good to just be with yourself without any pretensions and all sorts of limitations? I just want a little peace and quiet even for a short while. All I want to do is just listen to what the world has to tell me... what God wants to tell me.
OFF TOPIC:
I miss my girl friends! Wish I could meet up with them real soon! I've been with guys for way too long... I need a little femininity too, you know?!
I really thank God for answering my prayers. Two weeks ago, I started doubting every single thing that goes on in my life... every single aspect of my life. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure of which path to take. Hell, I wasn't even sure where I was going!
It was like going in circles and I just felt that I needed help... big time! Questions and anxiety gushed through my veins like flowing river on a rainy day. I became weak and pathetic in every sense. I almost lost my self.
The oratory at the LHS became my sanctuary. One day, when I felt like my entire world was already crashing down on me, I immediately stood up; and almost without thinking, I rushed up the oratory as if someone was after me. I cried really hard (hope no one noticed me) and I really didn't know what to think about. And then... I let go. I lifted up my self. I surrendered my everything... all, up to HIM! I spent 15-20 minutes crying as hard as I could. And until that very last tear drop, I sobbed my desperation and fears. Suddenly, I felt HIM embracing me... as if we was telling me that my dark world will have light soon. I didn't know what it meant then. Until two days after, it was like the whole world watched me cry and realized my pain.
Things started to iron out and go smoothly. Questions started to have answers and confusion was clearing up bit by bit. As of today, I'm still coping with the part of me that I lost. I can't say that I'm completely all right. But I was able to allow light to enter my darkness; HIS light now surrounding me. Giving up and surrendering my all up to HIM was definitely the right move. I'm still struggling but I'm getting there... Almost. Just a little bit more.
When all else fails, you really don't have much of a choice. When you hit rock bottom, all you can do is echo out your plea. But fear not, for God answers our prayers. He has angels everywhere... we just have to keep our eyes, our ears, our hearts open. Let your emptiness be filled with HIS love and mercy. (AMEN)
My summer wouldn't be complete without seeing my JJ friends (Josephine Journal)! We only have two big gatherings every year - summer outing and Christmas party. We've been doing this since college and I am so happy that until now, me and my friends are really making time for this. I love them all so much. I will never trade them for anything! We've been through hell and back together as a team... as one family. More about them next blog entry... not really in the mood. I just wanted to take account....
(to be continued)
Pwede bang magdrama? Kahit ngayon lang. Legal naman siguro ito, hindi ba? Wala pa naman akong naririnig na nakulong dahil nag-decide lang siyang mag-emote ng isang gabi.
Isang gabi lang naman ng pag-eemote. Sana pagbigyan lang ako ng mundo na magdrama. Lagi na lang kasi akong nakikinig sa mga drama ng ibang tao eh. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako... it's not that. It's just that I am also human at may mga times talaga na uhaw ako sa pakikinig at pag-iintindi ng mga tao sa mga drama ko. Yup! Tama po. May mga drama din ako sa buhay gaya ng iba. Hindi ko nga lang maipaliwanag, pero meron din po. Tao rin naman ako. Nag-iinarte.
Kung subukan ko kasing i-explain pa, feeling ko waste of time lang naman. Wala rin kasing makaka-intindi eh. I'm not being all emotional here, thinking that nobody understands me. C'mon! Gasgas na ang linyang ito. Ang sinasabi ko lang, I guess no one could really ever understand me kasi hindi ko rin maipaliwanag kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin.
Siguro, napuno lang ako. Maaaring kasalanan ko rin naman ito. I've allowed myself to be a sponge for my loved ones... allowing myself to absorb all the sadness and all the pain. Hindi naman sa pagiging affected. Iba naman po 'yon. Sa akin lang naman, absorbing is very different from being affected. Yung latter kasi, masyado lang nagpapaapekto sa mga ibang tao. Pero ako kasi... gusto kong inaabsorb yung negativity. Ginugusto kong alisin ang anumang lungot o sakit sa mga mahal ko, o kahit sa mga taong nakakausap ko. Kaya siguro hindi ako naging isang guidance counselor... marahil, araw-araw akong umiiyak para sa ibang tao.
Nasanay akong maging malakas para sa iba, at madalas, nalilimutan ko na ang sarili ko. Alam niyo, mahal ko naman ang sarili ko eh. Sa mga pagtulong ko, may nakukuha rin naman akong satisfaction for myself. Ito marahil ang paraan ko para busugin ang sarili ko... busugin ang kaluluwa ko. Dahil mahal ko ang mga tao sa paligid ko, sapat na sa akin 'yon.
Ang gulo ko ba? Sorry ha. Hindi ko naman dine-deny na magulo talaga ang pananaw ko. Actually, magulo talaga akong tao. Ewan ko ba... nababaliw na ata talaga ako. Teka, oo nga pala, matagal na akong baliw! Haha. Kidding aside? Lahat naman tayo may sariling topak. Respeto na lang sana, at kanya- kanyang trip lang.
Oo nga pala, how ironic can I get?! Nagdadrama ako ngayon, samantalang "no more drama" ang motto ko - ginawa ko pang subtitle ng blog ko. Oh well, sabi ko nga sa intro ko... Isang gabi lang naman. Ngayon lang, please?
Hay, tama na nga!
"Cut na, direk?"
Touching, really.
Yesterday afternoon, we attended the Veneration of the Cross at the Our Lady of Pentecost Parish inside Varsity Hills. Before the start of the gathering there was an old priest who went up ahead at the altar at remained seated as he waited for 3 other priests who later joined him for the ceremony. I was observing him once in a while and I thought of how it must have been hard for him to be present up there, properly dressed (as a priest), with his braced back and only one cane to support him. He didn't move much. He was just sitting as the ceremony went on.
The parish priest invited everyone to kiss the image Jesus, nailed at the cross. The 2 other priests went in front of the big cross to kiss the image. And when they carried the cross to the old priest, I saw him stand up as he reached out his hand to touch the image and kissed Jesus. I couldn't help my tears from fogging up my eyes seeing that sight. It was like he gathered every bit of his strength just so he could kiss the image of Christ. With no aid whatsoever, he was able to put his remaining energy at that moment to stand up and reach out.
I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I thank God for letting me witness it. I can feel his love for Jesus; that he was willing to do everything for Him. Now I know what to pray for this Holy Week... that all people, all Christians would respond to God's call. I pray that may all Christians have the same love for Jesus. And like the old priest, I pray that everyone... myself, included... could put every bit of our strength for our Lord God. May each of us carry our own crosses and remind ourselves how much God loves us... and how much we ought to love Him too.
Church of the Gesu, ADMU, 6PM
The 7 Last Words started off rough last Wed eve because of technical difficulties, but we pulled it through eventually, thank God. Got me thinking how much we've all put so much effort for this event to be possible given the little time and only a handful of people working; and with our Executive Director (Fr. Nono) out of town for a recollection. All gave his/her hard work for this, and allow me to say that I am so proud and I feel so happy for what we've accomplished.
I've received a lot of feedback that they were deeply touched by the speakers and they were moved distinctively by each last word of Christ. I can say that God was certainly present the entire time; we've won the battle against... well, you know. I hope to read all 7 manuscripts even during Easter. I couldn't keep my self into listening as I was running around, in and out of the Church. My mind was flying in circles, trying to stay focused and alert of whatever MIGHT happen. But the Lord is good. There were undeniable errors here and there, but it's not as bad as the whole place crashing down. Oops, bad thoughts, pardon me!
We got all the help that we needed. And as for the 80 UP donation... it went great! We were able to collect a HUGE sum from the pass-the-hat. I wonder how much more did we collect from the donation table (big amount of cash, checks and credit card swipes). I felt like crying hearing the good news; I really felt that we did a good job for the elderly and infirmed Jesuits. Be Not Afraid... God really provides.
In a capsule, I would say that I don't mind working THIS hard again if it's for a good cause. What's in it for me, you ask? I would have to say it is indeed a privilege to be given the opportunity to serve God and help people because of my job. I pray for a constant reminder to myself in everything that I do at work. It's not just work for me; it's more of the service I render... all for God's glory! +AMDG+
I don't know if it's the weather... or am I just really ill-tempered these days? Or maybe the universe is not aligned with me? Gah! Whatever! I just know that my temper is over a hundred degrees most of the time. And NO. It's not that time of the month [as a woman.]
Met up with two of my favorite sisters from HS. Nothing beats walking down memory lane with these girls. I love them to death! When I'm with them, time flies so quickly and I just feel like a little girl running around the green meadow, laughing so hard without really caring who's watching. They remind me of how life can be so plain and simple.
Oftentimes, I hope for a clone. Or something like that. Someone who feels the way I feel, who talks like me, who thinks like me, who reacts like me, who listens like I do... but doesn't necessarily looks like me (because that would really be creepy). How do I call her/him? A soulmate, perhaps? I really don't care, as long as she/he exists. (Yeah, I wish!) Which brings me to the statement: I love my blog!
Well, the reason why I love my blog (quarternotes.blogspot.com) is because nobody really reads it! It's like my own personal space online. When I'm on my other social networking sites, I have to be careful of what I post because there are people who could get affected with what I say. Here, I am FREE (or I would like to believe that I am). I can say whatever I want to say without having to worry who's gonna read it; or if I might hurt somebody.
Regardless of my just-a-bit-loud persona, I'm actually a certified introvert. No kid! When you see me happy, I usually project only 40% of how glad I really am. Same thing when I'm depressed. The tears you see are not even comparable to how much pain my heart really is crying.
So, THIS is like the extension of my mind. I write words straight from my soul without pretensions, without pride and without malice. I say things as free as I want to just because. And when there are no hands to tap or no ears to listen, THIS becomes my personal sanctuary.
So what if I am?
People talk to me when they have problems. Friends cry on my shoulder. And more often than not, I get affected. Why, you may ask? Because I love them. The more tears I shed for them, the more love I have for them. It breaks my heart to see my loved ones in pain, in grief, or in any kind of trouble. I carry it with me until I release it in my own way later on. This is just how I am and I wouldn't want to change it one bit. When they are happy, I laugh and smile with them. And when they are lonely, I cry with them.
Yeah, I am affected.
I'm built this way.
So what if I am?
I
want
someone
whom I can
share stories
with. I
want someone
whose world is
not so
far
from mine.
I want
someone who can
understand
and
accept me
for what
I am.
I want someone
who can sit
down with me
for
a cup
of coffee
and tell him
how
my day
went.
I want someone
who can be
more
than these.
But I
can only
have someone
...just
someone.
Perhaps I'm just used to working too much that I don't know where to draw the line any more. Although I love my job (No kid, I really do), I must admit that there certain times that I feel I'm debating with myself. Is this all worth it? Giving more than 100% and dedicating practically my entire life to my job is exhausting; yet there this sense of satisfaction being able to accomplish so many things. Whether or not people appreciate me, I feel so rewarded. I know God has a smile on His face right now with the things I've been doing for Him. =)
But let's face it. Where I am now and what I am earning is not even close to enough if I want to have a family soon. Not that I'm about to settle or anything. Yeah, sure, it's just right for a single woman like me living with her family, living a simple yet fun-filled life. But it won't be like this forever. I feel like I hit a wall or something, telling me this is as far as I can go. Should I start searching for greener pastures? Or is it just right to stay here?
And so I return to the story, WHO MOVED MY CHEESE? by Spencer Johnson. (Highly Recommended)
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST STOP ANALYZING THE SITUATION SO MUCH
AND JUST GET GOING AND FIND SOME NEW CHEESE.
GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID OF IS NEVER AS BAD AS WHAT YOU IMAGINE.
THERE IS ALWAYS NEW CHEESE OUT THERE.
Which mouse am I? Am I Sniff and Scurry? Haw? or Hem?
Cheese.
Ricky Lee mentioned in our program that there is no such thing as a writer's block. A true writer has words, sentences and compositions running in his blood; and I would like to believe that I am, indeed, a true writer.
But sometimes, I am not inspired enough or perhaps I'm just too tired to finish an article. I usually do well with crammed compositions, but now... I'm waaaay over my deadline and I still can't produce a decent paragraph - not even a lead.
Once I get started, I know there will be lesser problems. Now I just have to find a way to flick that light open and start becoming the writer that I am!
New everything! So long 2009 and hello 2010!