Note to Future Self

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, September 4, 2011 7:48 AM

Wow, so blogger has a new interface, huh? I wonder if I'm ever gonna get used to this.. It feels so awkward. Change is normal, right?

I haven't really posted anything the past weeks - months even because I've been so busy. I did a few drafts, but I ended up not finishing them eventually. Probably I was just too drained to actually finish an entry.

This one will be really quick. I just want to remember this day - this past week - as a happy day. Years from now, when I look back at my previous entries, I want to remind myself that once, there was a week in September of 2011 that I was really happy. But I hope that when the time comes that I would look back, I would remember what caused this overflowing bliss.Simple joys. Guilty pleasures. High school fantasies. All these things together in a week's journey.

I pray that it won't end here. God, please extend this state... this happy disposition I am learning to love.


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A Strange Farewell

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, July 17, 2011 7:33 AM

So how do you say "goodbye" to a dear friend?


Goodbyes are never easy. Whether to a dying loved one or a friend who's going away, it is indeed difficult to say what we call, "parting words." But my question really is, what should I do after saying goodbye?

I tend to trust people easily. I really put myself out there. Most of the time, it's easy for me to be friends with people but it doesn't make the value of friendship any less. I just love meeting different kinds of people, getting in their heads and somehow create a world we can share with his/her interests, character and personality. I cherish all of them dearly.

Which is why I got my heart broken earlier this evening.

A good friend told me it's best not be friends with him and that I should stay away from him. I won't drop details, but he gave me a vague reason why he's asking me such. In this generation's words, "friendship over."

It's actually taking me a while to process it. At first, it was more... "Yeah, okay. I respect you." But now, it's more... "Why?"

We've been friends for only a short while, but for me, it was something deep and real. You can't just drop a bomb on me saying that we can't be friends anymore. Sigh.

Simply put, it's now hurting at the same time confusing. Sometimes, it's hard to verbalize things that are truly painful.

*tears*

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merely an entry

Noted: b!@n , , Tuesday, June 21, 2011 7:29 AM

Today is a so-so day for me. But as the moonrise draws nearer and the rain pours harder, the more vulnerable I get. I can probably say that sometimes, a girl just needs to cry over her broken heart.


Actually, I love the weather. It's when the wind is chilly and the sky is dark that I find myself open to my inner soul. This is the best time for me to reflect... to think... to cherish my alone time.

Now, as much as I would like to make this entry longer, I would have to channel my thoughts to my script - due tomorrow for recording.

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Wordle!!!

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, June 19, 2011 11:22 AM


QUARTERNOTES: as of today :) from http://www.wordle.net

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LOVE vis-a-vis LOVE

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, June 12, 2011 8:58 AM

Lately, I've been having a lot of debates on love or relationship issues with random people in my life. I gotta admit that it's a bit frustrating especially now that I don't exactly have someone at the moment. Sure, I have bright ideas and exceptional theories... but that's it?! Okay, not the really point... moving on...

Ah, love is so simple. I don't get it why people are making it unreasonably complicated. They're the ones messing around. They're the ones playing blind or deaf. And in the end, people blame LOVE.

You see, it's really a beautiful thing and most people fail to see it that way. Love is so magical, yet so genuine. It's the most wonderful thing in the world. No words can actually describe it, but it gives meaning to everything. For some odd reason, people I know bombard this precious thing with cynical views and hopeless spirits. Probably, this is the reason why it's so difficult, and at times, frustrating to debate with these people. My idealism just don't go well with their realism.

Once, I tried to step out of my idealism and try to create a different balance in my life - especially with regards to my past relationship. So that's a mixture of both ideals. I must emphasize, it wasn't pretty (and I think I owe him an apology for creating such mess). Needless to say, I wasn't completely ME at that time; and it took me years to realize that. It was a self-experimentation in my subconsciousness, just because I got excited in entering a new status. Now I'm not even sure if I'm able to go back to how I was before.

I can't say that it did me wrong because I had learned a lot from that experience, and those lessons are the fuel I use whenever I want to speak my mind... whenever I have to debate with someone else's issues. But now it's making me feel detached or something... Oh, I dunno. All this debating is making me confused all the more. Ugh.

People are always busy asking questions about love, etc. But really, it's quite simple. In a nutshell, here's my take. There is no exact formula of a perfect relationship. There is no step-by-step procedure in courtship. There is no universal remedy to a broken heart. Love is just... love.

End of story.

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One Week, Three Words, For Always

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, June 5, 2011 8:55 AM

I just hope this coming week won't be as bad as this past one. It was terrible!


All started Monday afternoon when I had an asthma attack in the middle of our management meeting. I believe it's the first "major" attack this year (and I am certainly not hoping for more of this). I had to leave the board room to get some fresh air and rest a bit in my office; didn't get the chance to go back and finish the meeting. Since that day, I've been running on adrenalin to move about, think and stay in control.

Come Saturday, I had to beg off from the show. It was a battle between meeting a deadline or co-anchoring the show since of the the hosts was absent as well. Either way, I'd still be working so I chose to finish the manuscript. At least I wouldn't have to leave home. But, when 11pm came, I tuned in to the program via internet streaming - multitasking mode: ON.

I really love the program, the prod team and all our listeners. Though I'm not really one of the main anchors, it's always an overwhelming feeling to produce each episode. I remember my radio prod professor telling us that RADIO speaks to millions, and she was definitely correct. Fr. Nono mentioned on-air that I couldn't join them because of my asthma. When he read the text messages sent by the audience, there were a couple of them saying that they'll pray for me to get well soon. It's very touching that these people from across the nation can spare at least P2.50 to make their presence felt... and I don't even know them! *Happy sigh* It warms my heart to know that there are people praying for me. I am truly blessed.

My week may have started out bad, but it's now one of my favorite weeks in this lifetime. So to all the listeners of Usapang Kapatid, thank you so, so much! You may not really notice it, but simple words said by many can bring great joy. Every "Get Well Soon" I heard on the air are kept in my heart for always.

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For TJ

Noted: b!@n , , Tuesday, April 19, 2011 8:15 PM

We weren't exactly friends back in college. We're more acquaintances. He didn't even make a mark in my life... until now.


A couple months ago, my sister asked me to get a mass card for her student. She passed away at a very young age. You see, this particular student has special needs. But she's always been sweet and bubbly according to my sister. She told me how sad they were during her wake. She and her friends got a chance to talk to her brother who narrated how she moved on. Ali told me he went to our college as well. His name was familiar. I searched for him on Facebook and when I found him, I recognized him at once. We weren't exactly friends back in college. We're more acquaintances. He didn't even make a mark in my life... until now.

He was a few batches younger than me. He belonged to a another department. He lived college so differently from myself. I was in the nerdy-geeky world and he was with this group who ruled the hallway, the canteen, the basketball courts, and this famous place we call bilog. Since our population is lesser compared to other colleges, we might have bumped into each other more than a few times without saying a word to the other. We weren't exactly friends back in college. We're more acquaintances. He didn't even make a mark in my life... until now.

Ali described him so differently. She said he loves her sister so much. He brought her to school and fetched her home without missing a single day. They were really close. He was gentle to her and her sister loved him dearly - as much as she could. His affection to his little sister was just too painful when she left him. I was introduced to a different person with the same face. Reality hit me that I didn't really know him... We weren't exactly friends back in college. We're more acquaintances. He didn't even make a mark in my life... until now.

Everyday, I see him online on Facebook. Everyday, I see his shout-outs how much he misses her sister, how much he loves her, how much he's in pain and mourning, how much he is longing for her. Everyday, I make an attempt to talk to him. Everyday, I fail to do so. I don't exactly how to start an actual conversation with him for the first time. We weren't exactly friends back in college. We're more acquaintances. He didn't even make a mark in my life... until now.

It's very hard to explain but I can feel his pain. I know how it is to lose someone you love dearly to death. Not that my opinion matters, but I would really love to talk to him... take away his pain... make him feel that there's still a bright tomorrow waiting ahead; and his sister would like him to be better... she would like him to bring back his smiles. It saddens me because I myself wouldn't know how to recover from such loss. But I've been strong and somehow, I just wish I could do something, no matter how little, for him. All I can do now is pray for him and ask God to grant him a miracle for himself. If I could only cry for him, I would. My heart goes to you. We weren't exactly friends back in college. We're more acquaintances. You didn't even make a mark in my life... until now.

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Sandcastles

Noted: b!@n , , Monday, April 18, 2011 8:23 PM

Is it just me or is the world we're living in just keeps spinning faster and faster each day? Some people are getting engaged after one year of getting together. Others pass by too quickly, you hardly notice them. Good ol' friends start to stab you right upfront. A certain level of friendship changes - it's either launched sky-high like a rocket, or sent drowning with a heavy anchor to the bottom of the ocean.

The obscure reality of change is inevitable. It affects people, culture and God-knows-what. But change is just too natural that sometimes, we tend to ignore every risk that comes with it or every possibility of growth that we fail to grasp. Consequences follow. Regretful hearts cry.

"Ang bilis ng panahon" is now just a common expression of how time passes quickly and you, missing the things you once owned. It's also a bunch of words that counts every opportunity that you let slip through your fingers. We often say this with a smile, eyes filled with tears, or with a blank expression that covers up the emotions you wish to hide. No matter how we see it, it all suggest the same thing: nothing on earth is for good.

I am guilty of living in the fast lane of my own world, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate every single second of life. Call me old-fashioned but if you'd ask me, I would still prefer to travel on the country-side rather than on a highway - taking every stepping stone one by one, building relationships with a long list of joys and pains, falling in love out of friendship. I find joy in old castles that age through time; not by watching sandcastles being washed away into the sea.

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Forecast: Six Feet Under

Noted: b!@n , , Monday, April 11, 2011 11:55 PM

Kill me now.


I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I'm starting to dig my grave.

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UNSENT volume one

Noted: b!@n , , Monday, March 21, 2011 2:31 AM

This is just an entry of collated thoughts I want or wanted to tell certain people. These are the stuff I can't and/or won't tell them upfront. Normally, I'm all for honesty, but it won't be pretty when I actually tell these to them. So, I've decided to take one for these people. After all, these are just my thoughts.


Dear Ms Morocco. I have no idea why you aren't responding to my messages. We used to be very close despite the distance; we used to keep ourselves updated regularly. Now that you've already crossed some milestone in your life, I seem to be one of those you decided to leave behind. I just miss you and I hope we could still catch-up from time to time.

Dear Mr Green Tea Frappuccino. You've definitely changed. Yeah, we both know you're aware already and that you're sticking with it. If only you can see how unhealthy your situation is. If only you can see how a decision can destroy your life. I miss the good ol' times. Now, all I have are memories. I just wish there's still room for friendship after all the drama. The song "Carousel" by Paramita translates everything I gotta say.

Dear Ms Fine. It amazes me how you and Mr Scarf got together. I wish I had witnessed how it happened. It must be a real joy seeing Mr Scarf wooing you, haha. Needless to say, you guys are happy together. Mr Scarf has been a really good friend, confidant and companion to many things. You're just blessed to have him, so please take care of it. I hope we can be good friends too!

Dear Mr Scarf. You have no idea how I thankful I am that you're in my life. You've played an important role in my darkest hours. Thanks for keeping me afloat. Although, you were really annoying before... now, I'm glad we're okay. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for making me realize my worth.

Dear Mr Grin. I wish to see you again. I know you'll make a difference in my life - and I never go wrong with such hunches. I'm really excited.

Dear Mr Zipper. You're a bundle of surprises. Most of the time, I don't know what's going on in that head of yours. But recently, you surprised me in an awful manner. I felt violated. I honestly don't know how I should feel right now? Traumatic, maybe? But I am strong. I won't let this get me and make me feel less of who I am. I just can't see you... now any time soon.

Dear Mr Bruschetta. You are so naive. Two years? C'mon! This is definitely not normal. But I thank God for each passing day that I get to see you, spend time with you, talk to you. Can I keep you? Even for just a while?

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Ripples

Noted: b!@n , , Friday, March 11, 2011 9:04 PM

I love writing. I'm not saying that I'm an astonishing writer, or that my grammar is perfect and I make sense all the time. No. It's not it. I just love to write. Probably because I know I have a lot to say on a lot of things - not all things though. Plus, the world knows (at least my closest friends do), how talkative I am. My sister would often say, "Ate, ang daldal mo" when the lights are out and we're about to go to sleep. A friend once pointed out, "Ano ba 'yan, B, magpapaalam na nga lang ang dami pang sinasabi" - all because it took us about 30 minutes just to say our so-called 'good-byes.' Yeah, call me a little crazy, I know.


But not all the time, someone is there to listen. It may sound selfish, but I must admit that there are times when I just want to talk and talk and talk and I want someone to listen to whatever speech I have to say. At the end of each day, there's this longing of attention... someone to listen to my thoughts, or the stories of how my day went, or to share a lame punchline from the conversation I overheard while having lunch. Ergo, my outlet is through writing. Whether or not I get feedback or comments, it doesn't matter. All I need is an outlet. That's all.

Though there are really rough times no words can translate my thoughts, my insights. So I just keep quiet, but that doesn't mean my brain's not functioning. It's on, 24/7, and (not to brag) it's sometimes too fast for words to capture what really is going on inside this skull of mine. I feel like I've gone cuckoo in the head. Haha. Oh nevermind the thought. Dismissed.

See what I mean? Weird. Insane. Crazy. The list goes on...

Everything's scattered. All's a big blur. It's just like ripples in the water - once it's started, it will just go on and on, getting bigger and bigger - and who knows when it will stop. Frankly, I really don't care. As long as I stay afloat, I will never stop creating ripples of thoughts in my mind.

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Winning Over The Enemy (On JesCom's advanced screening of "The Rite")

Noted: b!@n , , Friday, January 28, 2011 10:42 AM

This is definitely worth blogging about.


Tonight, we sponsored a special advanced screening of the film, "The Rite" starring Academy Award winner, Anthony Hopkins, distributed by Warner Brothers. As expected, the "other one"... the "enemy" wanted to sabotage everything.

We had a short program before the film: prayer and opening remark by Fr. Nono Alfonso, SJ a raffle draw and a short talk by Fr. Jocis Syquia. Everything was fine, though a little rough on the edges, but fine. Little did we know that while the film was playing, the enemy made his presence known. At first I thought the audio softened because of a certain dramatic slow motion of a scene... but I was wrong. The following sequence had poor audio; same levels with the previous scene. My mind started to panic when the people were already clapping their hands. And then, the film stopped. It took a lot of rewinds here and there but they couldn't bring it back to where the audio started to fail. In short, it was a disaster.

What I learned from this is that the devil just won't quit... and he just won't win either. When things were out of hand, people were leaving their seats for restroom breaks or to buy food, etc. But I was most dishearten when one girl walking out of her seat with her friends said, "I know it's for a good cause, but this isn't entertaining at all." I guess the enemy got his wish. I prayed for that girl because her reaction was exactly what the enemy wanted to hear; that kind of reaction and everything similar. At that moment, I really prayed, "In the name of Jesus Christ."

I remember when I was still active in YFC and while I was growing up, I have witnessed the works of the enemy. Yes, my dear friends, I believe in the devil... and I believe that God has power over the devil. Every time HIS teachings and miracles are promoted, it is expected that the enemy will do just about everything to prevent it. I have witnessed it so many times in so many ways. He is strong. But our God is strong... in fact, HE is the strongest.

I just pray for everyone who's faith became stronger after watching "The Rite" because most probably a challenge awaits you to go to the other side.

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