quarternotes

I really thank God for answering my prayers. Two weeks ago, I started doubting every single thing that goes on in my life... every single aspect of my life. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure of which path to take. Hell, I wasn't even sure where I was going!

It was like going in circles and I just felt that I needed help... big time! Questions and anxiety gushed through my veins like flowing river on a rainy day. I became weak and pathetic in every sense. I almost lost my self.

The oratory at the LHS became my sanctuary. One day, when I felt like my entire world was already crashing down on me, I immediately stood up; and almost without thinking, I rushed up the oratory as if someone was after me. I cried really hard (hope no one noticed me) and I really didn't know what to think about. And then... I let go. I lifted up my self. I surrendered my everything... all, up to HIM! I spent 15-20 minutes crying as hard as I could. And until that very last tear drop, I sobbed my desperation and fears. Suddenly, I felt HIM embracing me... as if we was telling me that my dark world will have light soon. I didn't know what it meant then. Until two days after, it was like the whole world watched me cry and realized my pain.

Things started to iron out and go smoothly. Questions started to have answers and confusion was clearing up bit by bit. As of today, I'm still coping with the part of me that I lost. I can't say that I'm completely all right. But I was able to allow light to enter my darkness; HIS light now surrounding me. Giving up and surrendering my all up to HIM was definitely the right move. I'm still struggling but I'm getting there... Almost. Just a little bit more.

When all else fails, you really don't have much of a choice. When you hit rock bottom, all you can do is echo out your plea. But fear not, for God answers our prayers. He has angels everywhere... we just have to keep our eyes, our ears, our hearts open. Let your emptiness be filled with HIS love and mercy. (AMEN)

My summer wouldn't be complete without seeing my JJ friends (Josephine Journal)! We only have two big gatherings every year - summer outing and Christmas party. We've been doing this since college and I am so happy that until now, me and my friends are really making time for this. I love them all so much. I will never trade them for anything! We've been through hell and back together as a team... as one family. More about them next blog entry... not really in the mood. I just wanted to take account....

(to be continued)

Pwede bang magdrama? Kahit ngayon lang. Legal naman siguro ito, hindi ba? Wala pa naman akong naririnig na nakulong dahil nag-decide lang siyang mag-emote ng isang gabi.

Isang gabi lang naman ng pag-eemote. Sana pagbigyan lang ako ng mundo na magdrama. Lagi na lang kasi akong nakikinig sa mga drama ng ibang tao eh. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako... it's not that. It's just that I am also human at may mga times talaga na uhaw ako sa pakikinig at pag-iintindi ng mga tao sa mga drama ko. Yup! Tama po. May mga drama din ako sa buhay gaya ng iba. Hindi ko nga lang maipaliwanag, pero meron din po. Tao rin naman ako. Nag-iinarte.

Kung subukan ko kasing i-explain pa, feeling ko waste of time lang naman. Wala rin kasing makaka-intindi eh. I'm not being all emotional here, thinking that nobody understands me. C'mon! Gasgas na ang linyang ito. Ang sinasabi ko lang, I guess no one could really ever understand me kasi hindi ko rin maipaliwanag kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin.

Siguro, napuno lang ako. Maaaring kasalanan ko rin naman ito. I've allowed myself to be a sponge for my loved ones... allowing myself to absorb all the sadness and all the pain. Hindi naman sa pagiging affected. Iba naman po 'yon. Sa akin lang naman, absorbing is very different from being affected. Yung latter kasi, masyado lang nagpapaapekto sa mga ibang tao. Pero ako kasi... gusto kong inaabsorb yung negativity. Ginugusto kong alisin ang anumang lungot o sakit sa mga mahal ko, o kahit sa mga taong nakakausap ko. Kaya siguro hindi ako naging isang guidance counselor... marahil, araw-araw akong umiiyak para sa ibang tao.

Nasanay akong maging malakas para sa iba, at madalas, nalilimutan ko na ang sarili ko. Alam niyo, mahal ko naman ang sarili ko eh. Sa mga pagtulong ko, may nakukuha rin naman akong satisfaction for myself. Ito marahil ang paraan ko para busugin ang sarili ko... busugin ang kaluluwa ko. Dahil mahal ko ang mga tao sa paligid ko, sapat na sa akin 'yon.

Ang gulo ko ba? Sorry ha. Hindi ko naman dine-deny na magulo talaga ang pananaw ko. Actually, magulo talaga akong tao. Ewan ko ba... nababaliw na ata talaga ako. Teka, oo nga pala, matagal na akong baliw! Haha. Kidding aside? Lahat naman tayo may sariling topak. Respeto na lang sana, at kanya- kanyang trip lang.

Oo nga pala, how ironic can I get?! Nagdadrama ako ngayon, samantalang "no more drama" ang motto ko - ginawa ko pang subtitle ng blog ko. Oh well, sabi ko nga sa intro ko... Isang gabi lang naman. Ngayon lang, please?

Hay, tama na nga!

"Cut na, direk?"

Touching, really.

Yesterday afternoon, we attended the Veneration of the Cross at the Our Lady of Pentecost Parish inside Varsity Hills. Before the start of the gathering there was an old priest who went up ahead at the altar at remained seated as he waited for 3 other priests who later joined him for the ceremony. I was observing him once in a while and I thought of how it must have been hard for him to be present up there, properly dressed (as a priest), with his braced back and only one cane to support him. He didn't move much. He was just sitting as the ceremony went on.

The parish priest invited everyone to kiss the image Jesus, nailed at the cross. The 2 other priests went in front of the big cross to kiss the image. And when they carried the cross to the old priest, I saw him stand up as he reached out his hand to touch the image and kissed Jesus. I couldn't help my tears from fogging up my eyes seeing that sight. It was like he gathered every bit of his strength just so he could kiss the image of Christ. With no aid whatsoever, he was able to put his remaining energy at that moment to stand up and reach out.

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I thank God for letting me witness it. I can feel his love for Jesus; that he was willing to do everything for Him. Now I know what to pray for this Holy Week... that all people, all Christians would respond to God's call. I pray that may all Christians have the same love for Jesus. And like the old priest, I pray that everyone... myself, included... could put every bit of our strength for our Lord God. May each of us carry our own crosses and remind ourselves how much God loves us... and how much we ought to love Him too.

Church of the Gesu, ADMU, 6PM

The 7 Last Words started off rough last Wed eve because of technical difficulties, but we pulled it through eventually, thank God. Got me thinking how much we've all put so much effort for this event to be possible given the little time and only a handful of people working; and with our Executive Director (Fr. Nono) out of town for a recollection. All gave his/her hard work for this, and allow me to say that I am so proud and I feel so happy for what we've accomplished.

I've received a lot of feedback that they were deeply touched by the speakers and they were moved distinctively by each last word of Christ. I can say that God was certainly present the entire time; we've won the battle against... well, you know. I hope to read all 7 manuscripts even during Easter. I couldn't keep my self into listening as I was running around, in and out of the Church. My mind was flying in circles, trying to stay focused and alert of whatever MIGHT happen. But the Lord is good. There were undeniable errors here and there, but it's not as bad as the whole place crashing down. Oops, bad thoughts, pardon me!

We got all the help that we needed. And as for the 80 UP donation... it went great! We were able to collect a HUGE sum from the pass-the-hat. I wonder how much more did we collect from the donation table (big amount of cash, checks and credit card swipes). I felt like crying hearing the good news; I really felt that we did a good job for the elderly and infirmed Jesuits. Be Not Afraid... God really provides.

In a capsule, I would say that I don't mind working THIS hard again if it's for a good cause. What's in it for me, you ask? I would have to say it is indeed a privilege to be given the opportunity to serve God and help people because of my job. I pray for a constant reminder to myself in everything that I do at work. It's not just work for me; it's more of the service I render... all for God's glory! +AMDG+