Change

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, January 1, 2012 7:03 AM

YES. That would be the perfect word for my 2011.

Change of heart. Change of mind. Change of relationships. Change of habits. NAME IT!

A good friend of mine suggested (or, I guess, persuaded) that I watch the old series "Ally McBeal" over the break. One character said, "If you think back and replay your year... If it doesn't bring you tears, either of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted." (John Cage, "These are the Days" episode 23 of season 1) It made me stop and actually think of the past year... Yeah. I really cried a lot in 2011 - tears of joy and sadness, but mostly, of pain.

2011 was like a huge whirlpool that I got suck into. I got confined in the hospital which forced me NOT to go to work for almost a month. There were a lot of backstabbing and betrayal in my circle of friends. Close colleagues became distant. I got my heart broken twice on the average. Finances weren't THAT well. Some family members had a huge fight over something simple. There were also a number of deaths in the family of close circles. Yes, I could say that these things happen every day in any year. But, these things happened to me.

On top of everything mentioned above, I could say that 2011 was a year of new opportunities. I've gained new friends, I've dated a few guys, I've stretched my abilities and discovered new passions in life. There were a lot of opportunities that came to me and I grabbed each one of them - including the ones that I knew would be risky and tough from the beginning. With each step I took the past year, I've stumbled and conquered a few times or probably a little more. I put everything at stake, took risks and whatnot. I go home almost every night tired... sometimes, I don't go home at all.

Despite 2011 being such a whirlpool, I am glad I was suck into it. God gave me  lot of things to be grateful for. I knew that each day isn't a waste. Even in my lazy days, I was able to accomplish something. Heck, even those weeks I'm on house arrest after confinement, I was rather productive! I am grateful for each day; much more grateful to the people I meet and the people I'm starting to love.

So, now I would like to neatly wrap my 2011 and begin 2012 with a smile. I can almost see the rocky and rough roads ahead, but I'm more excited to trying different ways to get through them. I have changed over the past year, and I'm still capable of changing... I can't wait to meet the new "me."

CHEERS!

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Note to Future Self

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, September 4, 2011 7:48 AM

Wow, so blogger has a new interface, huh? I wonder if I'm ever gonna get used to this.. It feels so awkward. Change is normal, right?

I haven't really posted anything the past weeks - months even because I've been so busy. I did a few drafts, but I ended up not finishing them eventually. Probably I was just too drained to actually finish an entry.

This one will be really quick. I just want to remember this day - this past week - as a happy day. Years from now, when I look back at my previous entries, I want to remind myself that once, there was a week in September of 2011 that I was really happy. But I hope that when the time comes that I would look back, I would remember what caused this overflowing bliss.Simple joys. Guilty pleasures. High school fantasies. All these things together in a week's journey.

I pray that it won't end here. God, please extend this state... this happy disposition I am learning to love.


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A Strange Farewell

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, July 17, 2011 7:33 AM

So how do you say "goodbye" to a dear friend?


Goodbyes are never easy. Whether to a dying loved one or a friend who's going away, it is indeed difficult to say what we call, "parting words." But my question really is, what should I do after saying goodbye?

I tend to trust people easily. I really put myself out there. Most of the time, it's easy for me to be friends with people but it doesn't make the value of friendship any less. I just love meeting different kinds of people, getting in their heads and somehow create a world we can share with his/her interests, character and personality. I cherish all of them dearly.

Which is why I got my heart broken earlier this evening.

A good friend told me it's best not be friends with him and that I should stay away from him. I won't drop details, but he gave me a vague reason why he's asking me such. In this generation's words, "friendship over."

It's actually taking me a while to process it. At first, it was more... "Yeah, okay. I respect you." But now, it's more... "Why?"

We've been friends for only a short while, but for me, it was something deep and real. You can't just drop a bomb on me saying that we can't be friends anymore. Sigh.

Simply put, it's now hurting at the same time confusing. Sometimes, it's hard to verbalize things that are truly painful.

*tears*

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merely an entry

Noted: b!@n , , Tuesday, June 21, 2011 7:29 AM

Today is a so-so day for me. But as the moonrise draws nearer and the rain pours harder, the more vulnerable I get. I can probably say that sometimes, a girl just needs to cry over her broken heart.


Actually, I love the weather. It's when the wind is chilly and the sky is dark that I find myself open to my inner soul. This is the best time for me to reflect... to think... to cherish my alone time.

Now, as much as I would like to make this entry longer, I would have to channel my thoughts to my script - due tomorrow for recording.

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Wordle!!!

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, June 19, 2011 11:22 AM


QUARTERNOTES: as of today :) from http://www.wordle.net

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LOVE vis-a-vis LOVE

Noted: b!@n , , Sunday, June 12, 2011 8:58 AM

Lately, I've been having a lot of debates on love or relationship issues with random people in my life. I gotta admit that it's a bit frustrating especially now that I don't exactly have someone at the moment. Sure, I have bright ideas and exceptional theories... but that's it?! Okay, not the really point... moving on...

Ah, love is so simple. I don't get it why people are making it unreasonably complicated. They're the ones messing around. They're the ones playing blind or deaf. And in the end, people blame LOVE.

You see, it's really a beautiful thing and most people fail to see it that way. Love is so magical, yet so genuine. It's the most wonderful thing in the world. No words can actually describe it, but it gives meaning to everything. For some odd reason, people I know bombard this precious thing with cynical views and hopeless spirits. Probably, this is the reason why it's so difficult, and at times, frustrating to debate with these people. My idealism just don't go well with their realism.

Once, I tried to step out of my idealism and try to create a different balance in my life - especially with regards to my past relationship. So that's a mixture of both ideals. I must emphasize, it wasn't pretty (and I think I owe him an apology for creating such mess). Needless to say, I wasn't completely ME at that time; and it took me years to realize that. It was a self-experimentation in my subconsciousness, just because I got excited in entering a new status. Now I'm not even sure if I'm able to go back to how I was before.

I can't say that it did me wrong because I had learned a lot from that experience, and those lessons are the fuel I use whenever I want to speak my mind... whenever I have to debate with someone else's issues. But now it's making me feel detached or something... Oh, I dunno. All this debating is making me confused all the more. Ugh.

People are always busy asking questions about love, etc. But really, it's quite simple. In a nutshell, here's my take. There is no exact formula of a perfect relationship. There is no step-by-step procedure in courtship. There is no universal remedy to a broken heart. Love is just... love.

End of story.

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