quarternotes

Some farewell's are not that simple. So how should I say goodbye to year 2012?

Although there are still a couple of days before the new year, it may be best to start evaluating the past year. Last week, on the last day of work at the office, we had this mini-Christmas recollection. The theme revolved around the concept of the Examen of St. Ignatius of Loyola. We just had to reflect on three questions: What are you grateful for? What are you sorry about? What would you like to pray for? Since we were given only a few minutes to 'recollect' our 2012 thoughts and envision 2013, I am committing myself every night until the 31st to reflect on my year-long Examen. It's time to take a glance at the rear mirror and look at the road ahead.

Even during elementary days, I have known the phrase (more like, the command) stated above: About... face! It simply means to turn your direction, but not make just any turn. You have to face the exact direction you came from. Right now, the climax of my search begins with my own version of this phrase.

Turning and turned.

It's been months already since my hibernation phase when I had to keep a certain distance... from everything. I have been out of the loop for so long; maybe a little too long. But I have no regrets. Every minute was worth it. Every moment was priceless, superb, fantastic!

At the moment, it's hard to put it in a capsule because the steps on my journey to and fro self-discovery are all intertwined. It's even inconsistent and confusing. Nevertheless, it's still a journey... MY journey. And the only destination I'm headed to is in me.

Two hours after midnight. Me. Not so sleepy. And so here I am, trying to compose something out of the dwindling thoughts and random ideas. One minute, I was staring blankly at my Facebook news feed and the next minute, I was feeling nostalgic enough to go through past entries of this rather private blog. It just dawned on me (besides some grammatical cringes I got) that it seems like I'm living a slow life - says the girl who acts like a social butterfly on a weekly basis, sometimes, daily. Point is, I haven't given much thought as to where my life is headed.

One of our episodes from Usapang Kapatid was to "live in the now" which was inspired by Guy Finely's book, Let go and Live in the Now. I think I embraced it big time; too much, that I often let the principles of perception slip through my mind. I've always been the type who would perceive. Well, I guess I still do. I'm just not that confident to say that I seriously look in to the future - in the general sense of the word. In my lame attempt to be detail-oriented, I tend to overlook the bigger picture. I satisfy my pet-peeves all too much that I miss out on the beauty of the whole. I focus too much in the now that I fail to see the obvious future of my decisions.

So far, the aforementioned obvious future doesn't include tragedy - perhaps some cheesy, sappy heartaches; not really the type that turns my life upside-down. Oh, thank God for that! Taking from that note, I don't want to wait for the day when it's already too late to turn around, too late to choose left over right, or too late to say no. Hence, I accept the challenge that has been given to me by my troubled mind. This is between me and life's ticking clock. But how do I do it? Should I widen my sense of perception? Should I seize the good stuff and avoid the bad ones? Or should I simply be ready for everything?

Sigh. I guess my next step would be... (see title) - SOON!

Here I go.

YES. That would be the perfect word for my 2011.

Change of heart. Change of mind. Change of relationships. Change of habits. NAME IT!

A good friend of mine suggested (or, I guess, persuaded) that I watch the old series "Ally McBeal" over the break. One character said, "If you think back and replay your year... If it doesn't bring you tears, either of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted." (John Cage, "These are the Days" episode 23 of season 1) It made me stop and actually think of the past year... Yeah. I really cried a lot in 2011 - tears of joy and sadness, but mostly, of pain.

2011 was like a huge whirlpool that I got suck into. I got confined in the hospital which forced me NOT to go to work for almost a month. There were a lot of backstabbing and betrayal in my circle of friends. Close colleagues became distant. I got my heart broken twice on the average. Finances weren't THAT well. Some family members had a huge fight over something simple. There were also a number of deaths in the family of close circles. Yes, I could say that these things happen every day in any year. But, these things happened to me.

On top of everything mentioned above, I could say that 2011 was a year of new opportunities. I've gained new friends, I've dated a few guys, I've stretched my abilities and discovered new passions in life. There were a lot of opportunities that came to me and I grabbed each one of them - including the ones that I knew would be risky and tough from the beginning. With each step I took the past year, I've stumbled and conquered a few times or probably a little more. I put everything at stake, took risks and whatnot. I go home almost every night tired... sometimes, I don't go home at all.

Despite 2011 being such a whirlpool, I am glad I was suck into it. God gave me  lot of things to be grateful for. I knew that each day isn't a waste. Even in my lazy days, I was able to accomplish something. Heck, even those weeks I'm on house arrest after confinement, I was rather productive! I am grateful for each day; much more grateful to the people I meet and the people I'm starting to love.

So, now I would like to neatly wrap my 2011 and begin 2012 with a smile. I can almost see the rocky and rough roads ahead, but I'm more excited to trying different ways to get through them. I have changed over the past year, and I'm still capable of changing... I can't wait to meet the new "me."

CHEERS!

Wow, so blogger has a new interface, huh? I wonder if I'm ever gonna get used to this.. It feels so awkward. Change is normal, right?

I haven't really posted anything the past weeks - months even because I've been so busy. I did a few drafts, but I ended up not finishing them eventually. Probably I was just too drained to actually finish an entry.

This one will be really quick. I just want to remember this day - this past week - as a happy day. Years from now, when I look back at my previous entries, I want to remind myself that once, there was a week in September of 2011 that I was really happy. But I hope that when the time comes that I would look back, I would remember what caused this overflowing bliss.Simple joys. Guilty pleasures. High school fantasies. All these things together in a week's journey.

I pray that it won't end here. God, please extend this state... this happy disposition I am learning to love.

So how do you say "goodbye" to a dear friend?